my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
