i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
