my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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