Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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