I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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