I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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