end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize