You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i will never coherently bang her
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
