fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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