This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
