We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
