before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize