and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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