Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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