I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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