as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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