took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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