I can text with my tongue
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
