Jerry, you need to find god
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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