dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
