I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
you inspire me to be a worse person
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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