I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
