and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
