Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he fucked my hip out of place.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
