You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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