Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
