plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I looked at my own cervix.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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