How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
