i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize