Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
