There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
