This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
