I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
