I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
did you just send me my own nude
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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