So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
