This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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