the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
high people should be assigned attendants
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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