We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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