Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
