my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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