i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
