i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
