I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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