Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
