listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize