I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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