I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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