Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
