My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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