I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
