Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
