last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize