That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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