My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
