I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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