someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
