I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
