My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
