I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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