your parents love me but you hate me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
