Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize