why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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