Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
that's an acceptable place to lick
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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