The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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