Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
