HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Are we in a gay sports bar?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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