Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
