Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
