I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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