just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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